Welcome, football fans, and thank you for joining us for our round-up of the best of the best goals we've seen so far on EA's latest and greatest footie sim, FIFA 16. We've got audacious long-rangers, acrobatic flourishes and silky skills, all with the promise to make you go, "How the blazers did they do that?!" Let us know if we've missed any and be sure to tell us which is your fave out of the following bunch. Right, we're off to try to score from the halfway line without punting the ball into the car park, enjoy...
The corner you won't try at home
© FalloutFTW
If you were playing football and one of your team-mates decided to kick the ball nearly back to the halfway line straight from a corner, you'd probably say "What you doing?" and put your hands on your hips. Not Cristiano Ronaldo. He's a glass-half-full kinda guy, who instead chooses to meet the corner kick from 25 yards out by turning sideways in mid-air and volleying the ball just under the crossbar (the goalie should have done better, to be fair). To celebrate one of the greatest goals of all time, the commentator musters enough excitement to deliver the sure-to-become immortal line, "and we've got a goal."
The ball's glued to his feet!
© EA SPORTS FIFA
Goal number one is our pick of the bunch of this mini compilation. Real Madrid Castilla midfielder Martin Ødegaard, playing here for Norway, picks up the loose ball about 30 yards out, fakes a shot and snakes past the oncoming defender, does that back-heel-flick-over-the-head thing that you used to be able to do as long as nobody was watching and smashes it goal-wards. Nice.
A bicycle made for GOALS!
© VideoDunyasi 2015
This is something a little bit special. Alex Morgan, a forward in the USA women’s team, receives the ball outside the area, with her back to goal. She then proceeds to juggle the balls three times, then leap to the cruising height of a 747 and bicycle kick it into the top corner, rounding off her hat-trick against the formidable Germans. She celebrates with a cartwheel. USA! USA! USA!
HE HITS THE SCORPION
© TJW 0405
A video called "My first scorpion on Fifa 16!!!!! Crazy fifa 16 goal, best goal ever!!!!" promises much, but does it deliver? Well, yes it did, or it simply would not be here. The scorpion in question, a potentially paralysing acrobatic manoeuvre if tried by the average bear, is performed by Neymar, from about 30 yards out. The lad holding the controller shouts "I DID IT! I DID IT! I HIT THE SCORPION!" while the Brazilian striker cartwheels and flips through the air. Glorious and deserving of more than its 192 views.
Player gets bored of moving, shoots from halfway
© Tobias Schleipfer
We've all had a go at shooting from the halfway line, usually managing to get the ball to the edge of the box in exchange for a broken toe. But Chilean midfielder Arturo Vidal is made of stronger stuff, seen here dribbling casually into the centre circle, before swinging his presumably titanium right leg at the poor ball, launching it into space. It then breaks back into the Earth's atmosphere, falls towards the goal at the speed of sound and thumps into the net. "I don't even go that far for my holidays," the commentator says, which is probably an overstatement.
Welsh wonder goal
© UniqueRiggers
Now this is a lot of free kicks. So many free kicks you'll probably have to save some for later. If you don't want to stomach them all we've gone and picked out what we think is the best, and also saved you from some truly terrible music. Our story begins at 51 seconds, when Welshman Gareth Bale stands in a 30-yard-from-goal left-wing position that should really only give him the right to cross from. But he has another idea. That idea: mega goal. Also check out 1:38 to see a chap called Pappa celebrate scoring with a ridiculous amount of back flips.
The obligatory Messi one
© Oliver Hernandez
"Fifa 16 Messi Super Goal" you say? We'll be the judge of… WHAT THE… HOW THE DEVIL DID HE DO THAT?! Yep, it's that good. Before the commentators have even finished their "it's an honour to be here" platitudes, while half the crowd are still queueing to buy a pie, Messi has dribbled the ball to the halfway line and then pretty much toe punted it over the keeper. "That's efficiency for you," the commentator opts to say – which while technically true, this does undersell things a tad.
It shouldn't be possible!
© ItsMorgz
Seriously, what is with the music on goal videos? Anyway, this goal is a treat. Wearing a number two shirt, a football man called Naldo is standing near the corner of the box waiting to take a free kick. He has no business shooting from this angle, but he blooming well does, side-footing what appears to be a giant ball bearing into the corner. He celebrates by punching himself, presumably because he can hear the music too.
Skills to pay the bills
© GAAAYAY
Another one here that's been described by the uploader as insane, this time actioned by Frank Ribéry and not Yannick Bolasie as stated in the title. After a dizzying amount of trickery on the edge of the box, he pulls a shot out of nowhere that would have taken the net's head off, had the net been human and not just a load of string. Commentary gold for this one includes "And it's in for the goal", "How far out was he?!" – about 20 yards – and "to find the right hand corner, that defies belief."
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